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Rise of Skywalker, review

by Louisa Klein

This film was so bad, that in the end I cried, I cried on my best friend’s chest who, if possible, is even more nerdish than me.
No, I was kidding: Of course I didn’t cry in a cinema, in front of hundreds of people, I’m all grown-up, for God’s sake! I cried alone, in my bedroom-home office which has a gigantic Donald Duck wall decal and various unicorn knick knacks …
So, if you cried, you might ask, why did I go watch this movie? Because I’m one of those hard-core Star Wars fans who are so blinded with their love for this franchise, that they like anything that has “Star Wars” written on it, no matter how dumb? No. Or maybe I went because I’m a masochist? Maybe. Or perhaps I firmly believe that a certain type of suffering would build my character and prepare me for the hardships to come? That could also be an explanation.
Truth to be told, I had already read the leaked plot on Reddit, so I wasn’t expecting much. Still, I wasn’t expecting the final movie to be WORSE than the leaks, considering that said leaks were about an almost ready screenplay of a bad movie. Well, our genius, J.J Abrams, managed to make changes that literally made the movie worse than bad.
This film is the final blow to this franchise, Disney managed to kill the biggest franchise in the history of cinema. Congrats Disney! Now, here come the spoilers, guys, if you don’t want to know what happens in this movie, do not read any further. As a writer and beta reader, I have to talk about the plot, because it’s so full of holes and inconsistencies, that is a slap in the face of humble, yet serious storytellers like me, who do our best to produce compelling, coherent stories with rounded, believable characters.
Actually, from now on I’m going to treat this review as an editorial letter, pointing out all the inconsistencies and plot holes in your story, dear talentless J.J Abrams.
Anyway, here we go, buckle up people, because this is going to be a bumpy road:
Emperor is back. Yes, he’s alive and well and Kylo finds him on a distant planet, after having searched for “the power behind Snoke” for a while. You see, Kylo perceived that there was a superior dark power behind Snoke and, once the Sith was dead, he decided to sort of follow a trail? And found the Emperor who reveals that Snoke was a clone of his and that he was “behind all this all along” (insert croaky, evil laugh). Now, this editor and beta reader has a couple of simple questions:
1) How did the emperor survive falling to his death in the Death Star, as well as its explosion? We don’t know. It’s never explained; all we know, is that he lost a couple of fingers because of it. Yes, you heard me: All that he got from the Death Star accident, is a few digits less than planned.
2) He’s been gathering an armada and building an army with hundreds for thousands of sturm troopers and star destroyers, but no one noticed? Not even neither Luke, nor Leia felt the emperor’s presence, but no big fish in the New Republic realized that someone was using an enormous amount of resources to build a freaking army? Also, how the hell did Palpatine managed to organise all the above and pay all the above, when the Empire had be beaten and, I assume, all its allies either killed or thrown in jail? I’d really would love to know, please enlight me, J.J.
3) There are new super-duper Force powers that practically erase conflict and make everything even more awkward and nonsensical than it already was. How come those were never used before? I mean, we already found out that Yoda could influence the weather in the Last Jedi, now we see our dear Mary Sue Rey preventing star destroyers from moving using the Force and even destroying them. I mean, if Luke and Yoda had had those powers, the Original Trilogy would have ended after five minutes, I mean, come on, people!
4) Why did Kylo turn bad? Why did he despise his parents and uncle so much? Well, again, we’ll never know, since genius J.J is clueless about that too.
5) And since we’re speaking about Kylo and his admiration for Darth Vader, May I remind you, J.J, that Anakin got saved eventually and joined the Force? Yes, we see his spirit at the final celebrations on the Endor moon! So, my question is: why didn’t he do anything when Kylo started turning to the dark side? Shouldn’t have showed up, talked to him? Or at least talked to Luke?? Please explain, J.J.
6) It is revealed that Palpatine is Rey’s grandpa and that, he did all this, to give Rey his empire. This doesn’t make any sense, especially since in the prequels isn’t even mentioned that Palpatine, already old, has a wife or girlfriend, let alone offsprings. However, if that was the case, said offsprings would have been either thrown in jail (if they had committed crimes under the empire, which is likely, considering who their dad was) or anyway closely monitored by the new Republic. It’s nonsensical that Palpatine schemed and waited 30 years to give his granddaughter his own empire. It’s nonsensical that no one knew that he had children and that those children had children. J.J, maybe you should open a book of European history and see what epuration is.
As for the rest:
1) the title is misleading, there is no rise of no Skywalker: Rey takes Luke’s surname in honour of him and the resistance;
2) Both Luke and Leia are maybe 3 minutes each in the movie. They decided to use some of Carrie Fisher’s unused shots to make her appear in the movie, with disastrous results; as for Luke, thanks to the Force he grows his hair and a beard in death (are those also new Force powers?).
3) I’d pay good money to know who cast Adam Driver as the bad guy and why. He’s an excellent comedian, but can’t deliver drama and the only thing intimidating about him are his ears.
4) Finn and Poe don’t seem to be part of the story anymore, they could have very well been written off completely. Actually, one has the impression that they were both supposed to die in the previous instalments and were saved by a last minute decision. A bad one.
5) Daisy Ridley is terrible in this. During the whole three movie you have the sensation that she has to poop but can’t find a toilet. I haven’t seen her in anything else, so I’m unable to say if she’s a bad actress overall, or if she was simply badly directed.
I didn’t think it was possible, Disney, but with only 3 sequels you’ve managed to destroy the most successful franchise of all times. Terrible writing (yes, the writing counts, maybe now you’ve realized it) bad cast, lazy directors and your belief that your audience are a bunch of idiots did the trick. Star Wars is a franchise supported by nerds, in case you didn’t notice, and nerds aren’t stupid: It takes more than sticking a random black guy and a boring Mary Sue for ‘diversity’ to make us digest such a sad disaster.
And one more thing, this is for you, Kathleen Kennedy. What happened to you? To the producer behind E.T and Indiana Jones? You’ve been my inspiration since I was six, you know, and started reading the credits at the end of my favourite movies. When I learned that there was a woman behind the various Spielbergs and Lucas, I felt proud and inspired at the same time: You were a woman, a super-talented one who was in charge of making movies “for boys”, as I called them, instead of stupid romantic comedies about modern damsels in distress and boring princes who “saved them”. You were Steven Spielberg ‘s boss, for God’s sake! I’ve been wanting to be a writer since I can remember and dreamt of making movies, one day in my life (and haven’t given -up my dream yet) and you were my one and true inspiration. Knowing that you greenlit this Star Wars crap, truly breaks my heart. No, it breaks the heart of my 6 year old self, which is even worse.

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