To all those who are in a happy, fulfilling relationship, I’m so happy for you! Keep up the good work, what you have is precious.
If, on the other hand, you’re single, please read carefully what follows, especially if you’re a younger reader such as a high school student, for example.
I’ve spent half of my teen and young adult life apologising for who I was. I’ve always been an introvert and a nerd who loves art and books and reading and listening to music for hours while reading on a rainy day with a couple of cats on my lap. And a dog at my feet. I’ve liked telling stories since I was a kid and couldn’t even write!
I’ve never liked drinking, smoking, discos, drugs, do whatever everyone else was doing. My personality caused me an awful lot of problems, I got bullied, isolated, made fun of.
And why? Just because I was who I was. My personality wasn’t hurting anybody, I actually tried to be of help when I could, for instance driving home classmates too drunk to even stand on their feet, but that didn’t count. I was a weirdo, I was ugly, I didn’t deserve sex, let alone love. In case you’re still wondering, well, wonder no more: I WAS A NERD!
I had a few close friends who were as nerdish as me and thought could support me and understand me. “Thought” is the key word, don’t forget that!
Once at university, I was foolish enough to decide that I had to reinvent myself, to create a totally new persona who I thought was more acceptable, someone who didn’t like reading, who studied because she had to, not because she loved it, who didn’t write fiction, who pretended to drink at parties and poured the content of her glass into the kitchen sink as soon as no one was looking… and people finally liked me! I finally had “friends” and even a few boyfriends who were literally one more toxic than the other (shocker!).
The situation spiralled until the level of toxicity in my life had reached a dangerous, life-threatening level (literally, will talk about it one day). I pretended to be one person with my “new friends” and basically become the slave of my nerdish “friends”, doing whatever they asked me to do so that they wouldn’t “leave me”. Did they need money? I’d lend it to them, sure that I’d never get it back. Did they need emotional support after a breakup? Of course they could call me in the middle of the night, it’s not that I needed to sleep, after all I was only working and studying at the same time! On the other hand, if I needed a buck to buy a coffee at the vending machine they would ask to get it back later. If I got hospitalised because, for instance, I got involved in a major car crash (it happened) or my endometriosis was kicking my butt well, I wouldn’t even get a text from them.
As for my boyfriends, they were manipulative, abusive, they lied, they cheated. I would find out, dump them and then date someone else with the same “qualities”.Unconsciously, I knew that I was at my happiest when I was away from those people, studying, working, volunteering at an animal shelter where I was surrounded with pets and wonderful human beings who actually cared; but that was an unconscious feeling, it never reached the surface of my brain, so to speak. I just felt I wasn’t enough and had to compensate for it somehow. I just felt that I needed a boyfriend to make me look good, instead of making me FEEL GOOD.
Then, I had the most traumatic breakup, ending a two year toxic relationship that nearly destroyed who I really was. It’s true that you understand what you have, only when you risk to lose it and, well, I realised that I fucking loved myself. That I was kind of great. I could go through life and attend scary social events without the need to be inebriated. I got a master degree with honours in Classics while working as a copywriter. I interned at one of the 5 major publishing houses in the world. I volunteered in animal shelters and adopted, fostered, cured pets, saving dozens and dozens of lives. I wrote stories that made people smile and lose themselves in fantasy worlds, where they could forget their problems for a while. I was more than enough. I WAS AWESOME. And so are you, single reader who is reading this long post of mine!
Forget about “being enough” for someone else – try being ENOUGH FOR YOURSELF.
Learn to be okay with being single, to be OK with not being popular. After all, always remember that cruel dictators such as Hitler and Mussolini weren’t single and were extremely popular and you are, for sure, much better than them! There is NOTHING WRONG with being you! There is NO SHAME in it!! Fuck all the insecure idiots who they ever dare diss or mock or pity the status of single/alone people just for that and make it seem that being with someone in a “relationship” is all that matters at all times. That there are no other worthy achievements, no other important things to do in life.
Learn not to give a shit about what people think!
Just focus on doing good, be good, be strong. You shouldn’t NEED anyone, you might WANT to be around some people, but still you do NOT NEED THEM.
Once you embrace yourself and master being alone and single and being 100% okay/comfortable with it, all other relationships become less overwhelming/overpowering. You obsess over them less. You become less insecure and jealous. You hurt less when they end. You do not feel compelled to compromise (what you cannot afford to compromise) as often. Be your own person, work to better yourself, your life, the life of the people and the animals around you. But always be helpful, not USED. Being such a person will make you strong and confident and then, you’ll see, love always rewards those who are strong, confident and generous. And in case it doesn’t , well, worst case scenario you will to become a strong, successful, educated person who helps and supports those around him/her. What a terrible fate, eh? Long story short, work and act so that you are PROUD OF YOURSELF AND THE IMPACT YOU MAKE IN THE WORLD, don’t waste your energies on desperately pleasing others. Because THEY ARE NOT WORTH IT, THEY ARE NOT ENOUGH. YOU ARE. SO JUST TELL THEM TO GO FUCK THEMSELVES.
That’s the attitude! Me and pinkish, rude Barbie, wish you once again, a Happy Valentine’s Day! 🙂