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Pan, a review

by Louisa Klein

OK, this movie sucks. But it’s not as bad, if you’re a kid. I think that the major mistake was to market it as a “film for all” and not a “film for children”. That, and spending over 150 million dollars to make a movie with so many plot holes that it looks more like a fishnet than a story.
Now, this review has SPOILERS, so be warned.
There are a lot of things that do not add up in this story, the first jumping into my head are the nuns. Yes, those greedy, over the top hags running Peter Pan orphanage.
Britain is an Anglican country. ANGLICAN. Not catholic. Ask Henry VIII. So you’ll get Anglican nuns, not Catholic ones. How do I know those were Catholic nuns? Because they worship the Holy Mary and Mary wasn’t worshipped in the UK during Reformation. It restarted having a role in the early 20th century. But a mild one. I understand that this movies takes place during World War II, but still, it was very uncommon, if not impossible, to get a religious orphanage run by Catholic nuns. And Anglican ones, wouldn’t have keep Holy Mary statues in their basement. Plus, why are pirates buying kids from them? I mean, they’re magic pirates on a flying ship, they could just steal the children and go away, right? Why are they paying the greedy nuns?
Once we get to Neverland, more questions come to mind: why is Wolverine pretending to be a youth-obsessed gay pirate? Why said pirate needs pixie dust to stay young, when he’s in Neverland and in Neverland time isn’t supposed to pass, so no one ever grows old? How come he’s the only unlucky bastard who ages?
Let’s talk about Hook. He’s devilishly handsome, OK. But why is he randomly courting Tiger Lily? He doesn’t know her, has barely talked to her and he’s already hitting on her. So, considering that the character is supposed to be a scoundrel, at first I thought he just wanted to bed her but NO. He’s ready to risk his life for this random stranger.  And we never get a sense of WHY. As we never get to know HOW he’s become Pan’s worse enemy, while now he’s hand in glove with him. Nor we know why he’s dressed like a second best Indiana Jones: Were the producers planning on doing a cross-over between Indie and his long-lost Neverland brother? You tell us, Greg Berlanti.
What about this “there’s a prophecy and you’re the chosen one cliché”? How come you don’t need faith anymore to fly in Neverland, nor pixie dust? You need to be the son of a male fairy, aka the chosen one. A chosen one who actually does NOTHING. Yes, because the icing on the cake of this tacky prequel is that Pan, our Chosen one, at the end of the movie simply leads the fairies against the pirates. The fairies were supposed to be powerless against Black Beard, to a point that thy hid in a sort of secret dimensions. But then ta daaa! Peter comes, tells them “we can do it together” and BANG! The fairies aren’t powerless anymore, they tickle the pirates to death and all is well that ends well.
I’d have so many more questions, but that would take too long. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, since this movie is filled with expensive special effects, so it must be good, right? Again, It is, if you’re a six year old who doesn’t think too much. Bottom line, If you have children under the age of ten, give it a go, they’d love it. If they’re older, save your money for something better.
 
“Pan”
Directed By:       Joe Wright
Written By:         Jason Fuchs, J.M. Barrie

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